- July 16, 2012
- 4 Comments
Submissional Parenting: God’s Great Gift
I’ve always felt pressure as a dad. Phrases reverberate in my mind: “spiritual leader of the home,” “model of manhood for my son,” “…as Christ loved the church…”. Some of them are helpful, some harmful – others just stress me out. Part of the marriage preparation I learned at Life on the Vine (and that I’m now adapting for River Valley) is the truth that Christian marriage is spiritual formation. Indeed, so is Christian parenting. (In fact – did you know that all of life is spiritual formation? 
)God is teaching me to embrace Deacon (almost 4) and Celeste (5 months) as instruments of sanctification in my life. They teach me about Christ, reveal my weaknesses, show me how to trust and take heart, give me opportunities to “not be afraid, just believe!” It’s an at-home Holy Spirit P90x workout. So – with Deacon – here are two things God has been teaching me lately:
1. I am really good at impulsively noticing and parenting bad behavior in Deacon. But God is showing me that he doesn’t parent my behavior – he Father’s my heart. He knows me, he searches me, he seeks me out in my hidden places, he speaks to me in my inmost being. He doesn’t want me to be a good-boy moralist, he wants me to be the Father’s Beloved. So, with Deacon, I’m learning to father his heart, not his behaviors. When I see behavior that needs to be corrected, I pray for insight and wisdom on what is going on inside of him so that I can help him sort out his feelings, thoughts, emotions…rather than just get him to do the right things via bribes, punishments and threats. There are still punishments – and promises of punishments – but instead of the key to behavior modification they are the results of his poor decisions (see #2 below). I don’t want to create a moralist…I want Deac (and Celeste) to grow up with awareness of what is happening to them in the midst of sin, weaknesses, difficult choices, and disappointments. And give them language to identify and describe it and meet God right there where they really are living. This is an insight I initially received from my friend Winn 4 years ago and I’ve been working it out with fear and trembling ever since.
2. My mom used to say, “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you”. I always thought that was a load of hooey…until I had kids I had to discipline. Teaching Deacon that he has power to choose – even when his feelings, thoughts, emotions are telling him to do something. We talk about repentance (changing our minds about things) all the time. I try to talk him through it – help him process using words an almost 4 year old can grasp. But when poor choices are made there HAVE to be consequences. And it does hurt me – sometimes because I see how upset he is…but sometimes because his punishments cost me what I want. LIke when we have to leave a friends house early, or go sit in the car after a tantrum, or he loses privileges that I really enjoy. Not making the good decisions for him – or shielding him from the consequences of his bad decisions – is a discipline of self-emptying love. Right now we’re learning being patient (he’s getting really good at that) and delaying gratification (not so good, yet). I honor his power – his choices matter. He knows that every time he chooses he is taking responsibility in his life.
So – these are two ways I’m growing as a parent right now. How about you?
What is God teaching you about parenting?
What is God revealing to you about himself through your kids?
What truth about yourself has God shown you as you parent?
Categorized: Leadership, Parenting Tags:Tags: Christian Parenting, Life on the Vine, Moralism, Parenting, Parenting the Heart, River Valley, Winn Collier
Great post Matt! So true.
[...] Submissional Parenting: God’s Great Gift** [...]
Thanks for your post Matt. It brought me encouragement at 5am during a long night shift.
Indeed parenting IS spiritual formation and a perpetual learning experience. It is amazing how a 3 year-old can bring out a level of anger in me that I have not had to deal with since a 3-on-3 basketball tournament in 8th grade. Disciplining is challenging and there is always the question in the back my mind…Am I doing this right? Is this battle worth it? Other challenges are trying to decide which character principles are really necessary and when. For instance, the idea “finish what you started” is good and may be important but is in no way an absolute such as “Jesus is Lord.”
With having multiple children and being in close community with other parents of young children I am repeatedly amazed at how unique children can be. Our two boys had the same mom and dad, grandparents, crib, bedtime stories, dog, clothes, and diaper brand, but are different in so many ways. It seems that I have much less control over who my children are than I ever would have imagined. This would have been good to know as we were exhausted parents trying to get our first to sleep like a “normal” child. Within the first 2 hours of having our second we saw a child sleep in a way we had never seen with our almost 2-year old.
I often think about a book that Rick recommended a few years ago by Larry Crabb called “The Pressure’s Off.” (There is no need to read the whole book as the ideas of the first chapter are essentially just repeated over and over again.) The main idea was that in every situation (including parenting) you can do everything exactly right and God still may have other plans. I try not to take credit for the good or bad behaviors of my children. It is comforting that all I have control over is trying to do the best I can raising my children and trusting in God’s faithfulness and sovreignty.
Kirk –
Glad you found this during the night shift! I can relate to the ‘am I doing this right?” and “is this worth it?” I’m there everyday. I think that’s all part of it, you know? Part of the formation – keeping me humble, dependent, honest, open to what God wants to reveal and show me.
Your comment encourages me, Kirk. Keep pressing on, brother!