- June 21, 2012
- 2 Comments
Jerry Springer, Chinese Buffet, and the Untimely Death of a 24 year old
How do you deal with grief? When your soul has sorrow that words cannot express? I like to cry. And eat. So, after staff meeting a slew of us pastors loosened our belts and went down to the Chinese Buffet. I think I had 2 plates full. Just 6 pastors Kung Paoing the General Tso’s.But conversation was labored because, well, we were sad. This past Sunday morning a 24 year old in our community, Evan Sobecki, died in a tragic one car crash. Died instantly when his car struck a tree and caught on fire. 2 of us played softball with Evan. All of us know the family. So we were sullen, quiet, shoveling in the crispy fried, sticky, chickenesque meal before us. Oh – and Jerry Springer was on the 45 inch flat screen just to our right. Sound blaring. I counted 3 slap fights, 45 expletives, and one sanctimoniously delivered monologue by Jerry. I didn’t even know Jerry Springer was still on TV.
Jerry Springer, chinese buffet, and dealing with death. Random just got a new dictionary entry.
I vacillated between watching Jerry Springer voyeuristically and shaking my head and condemning the spectacle. One moment I couldn’t look away (the slap fights, the audience member flashing everyone) and another moment I condemned the entire enterprise (and myself) to hell. I simply have no compassion for the guests on the Jerry Springer show. I’m either leering or judging.
That’s the same way I treat my sorrow. It feels wrong, out of place, something I need to fix or get rid of. I don’t think I have the language of lament. Processing pain, finishing sorrow, facing hurt – it’s easier to eat chinese food and watch Jerry Springer – to be satiated and titillated than to befriend grief and submit sorrow. I suck at that. I hate it.
Befriend…such an odd word that came to mind today as I prayed about how to deal with the loss and sadness I feel. How do I make space for something that feels like it wants to eat me up from the inside?
Can loss teach me to love myself and others? Sorrow breath into me space in which I can receive better what the Lord gifts me today? I have a choice – more Jerry Springer and chinese food – or – spacious grief.
Take out and Tivo…or…tenderness and tears.
Come, Lord Jesus. Make sense of this sorrow, parse this grief. Help me to not simply answer and move on, but fully feel and process. I cannot help this. I cannot solve it. I fear facing it. Come, Lord Jesus.
Categorized: grief Tags:Tags: Death, Evan Sobecki, Grief, Hurt, Loss, Sorrow
Choosing “spacious grief” by befriending sorrow often becomes more difficult as wounds multiply and become deeper. Befriending sorrow during extremely difficult seasons requires courage I do not have. It is easier to check out emotionally, search for a distraction, and allow ourselves to grow numb. This is a disaster for our hearts if we ever want to be able to feel anything after a catastrophe–let alone feel empathy for anyone else.
With all that I have heard in recent years about a renewed focus on lament and grieving faithfully, I still haven’t found an easy on ramp into this practice when everything hurts. I find myself so dependent on Jesus working through close friends who will pray with me and gently walk me into an awareness of God’s presence amid the pain. Pain ought to pull us closer together, cause us to listen, and compel us to gently remind each other of God’s presence as we walk through the most difficult seasons. In my experience, it’s in community that courage to grieve well grows.
Luke –
Great observation about the relationship b/w courage and befriending sorrow. I’m a chicken, I think. I don’t like doing things I’m bad at and sorrow is one of them. And I think you’re right on about community being the context in which we discover courage to grieve well. I’ve found this in the past week with good friends. WE just want to be together – no agenda – just be together. It’s been healing and has excavated some of the sadness from underneath. Love you, bro’.